March 13, the National Wild Turkey Federation crowed about its “new Participating Agreement with the USDA Forest Service, marking a significant step in bolstering efforts to continue the great work that is being accomplished.” The press release gushed about the Federation’s new funding “entirely from federal dollars authorized in the Bipartisan Infrastructure Law and the Inflation Reduction Act.” These public tax dollars will pay for the private Federation’s “personnel costs, including travel, and supporting essential meetings like Partner Coordination Meetings and Industry Coordination Meetings to foster effective communication and collaboration among stakeholders.”
So when a journalist colleague asked me for “a plain language translation” of NWTF’s verbose, self-congratulatory release, I was happy to oblige (tongue firmly planted in cheek) as if the Forest Service had announced the same news.
The Forest Service is pleased to announce that it is outsourcing more jobs that were previously performed by its own employees. “We have a real problem hiring people,” explained Deputy Chief Chris French. “We don’t know why, but our centralized Albuquerque Service (sic) Center just can’t seem to process the paperwork.”
The solution to this hiring crisis is to make significant investments in the private sector because they have promised us that there are people who want to do this work and they can hire them. Thanks to the generosity of American taxpayers and their representatives in Congress, the Forest Service has a record amount of cash to spend. Paying someone else to find and hire the people we are unable to is a win-win solution.
Our partners include the National Wild Turkey Federation. “We like the Federation because turkeys like clearcuts and we like to log,” explained Mr. French. “We’re giving NWTF more money to hire the overhead and administrative staff necessary to find the people out there who want to work in the woods,” he continued.
Eventually, if all goes well, NWTF will hire the non-union, low-skill workers who can be taught how to use a chainsaw without hurting themselves. If they exceed our expectations, NWTF will find heavy equipment operators who have the big machines (the bigger the better!) needed to cut, chop, smash, masticate, and pile all the ultra-hazardous fuel that threatens almost everyone who lives in our great nation.
“We wish we could do the contractor and hiring jobs ourselves,” said French, “but we’re thrilled that NWTF has stepped up to the plate to take on this critically important task.”
“I can’t think of a better way to Build Back Better than to outsource federal civil service jobs to the private sector,” mumbled a satisfied Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack between bites of a succulent wild turkey.
Sincerely,
Andy Stahl
Featured Photo: A male (tom) wild turkey struts outside Andy’s home in Oregon. Turkeys, which are not native to Oregon, were introduced by the state’s fish and wildlife department to increase hunting license revenue. The birds have become a nuisance throughout the state.
